panda

who the fuck am i going to go to the zoo with!?! WTF. i fucking hate this. i miss seeing that mysterious panda with his ears twitching, and chewing on a piece of bamboo. laughing at the retarded panda pictures with her. hahah.

i wonder if i still cross her mind at least half the times she crosses mine.

wonder if she knows my birthday is coming up.... does it even cross her mind/matter to her?

and i hate the fact that valentines day is coming up. fml. i was really excited for it this year, back before we broke up -__-

i wish i was that mysterious panda. with his back turned to the world. focusing soley on his bamboo stick. nom nom nom. goes the big cute panda

missing my bestfriend. i miss her alot. it sucks to take double the risk and fall in love with ur bestfriend. cuz when they leave, u lose two people :/

confidence.

there are times like this, which i relish, when i feel ontop of the world. i feel like i can stand on my own and i am confident in myself. its been a long time since i've felt confident. moods like this are the best in my eyes. but they come and go. im just happy to be feeling this way tonight. i dont need her, i mean, i am capable of attracting plenty of women, not that i see that as beneficial or anything because it doesnt matter to me about the quantity, its all about meeting the one with the right qualities.

i mean, i should be listening to what my closest friends have been telling me.

i'm a young, in shape, not bad looking, guy with a great personality.

people have told me that my smile is the kind of smile that makes everyone around me smile.

people tell me they love being around me and that they see me as this fun, social guy that everybody loves. although, i beg to differ, i believe i am pretty sure unless i get to know you, people swear that everyone loves me. i need to start believing this.

furthermore, i have a strong passion for dance and i CAN dance. what makes me stand out more is that i'm HUMBLE. i always stay humble no matter how good people tell me i am. it's really not hard for me when im surrounded by my teammates who are SO GOOD.

also, i'm a student. i handle both dance and school. i may not be a math or bio major, but hey, it's not my thing. it's not my dream. i dream to go into media and studios. that's my own path. you can look down on it, but its my thing. and i'm gonna be the best at it.

also, i'm very family oriented. i am well-mannered and extremely considerate. i am kind and generous. tiffany used to say i was too nice to other girls. although i'm just nice to everyone in general (treat others how you would like to be treated), thats what she noticed of course. haha

anyways, the point is that so many of my friends and my mom of course, have been trying to tell me how great i am and how much i should love myself. i get so caught up in how i was abandoned/unwanted that i forget sometimes how my mom has shaped me to become a fine young gentlemen.

stick to your beliefs and morals. stay true to yourself. dont conform. live YOUR OWN dream. not what others tell you to live. be kind to others, not only is god watching, but you will feel great. live your life in this manner, and you will never have any regrets.

give me strength.

i read a quote today that said "people believe that being a relationship will make them happy. but what they need to realize is that, they must first be happy before they can be in a relationship."

it made me think, yes that is true. however, when i met you, you were in a complete state of disarray. you were a mess. i would've turned my back and ran away immediately. but there was something about you. something that begged me to be the one to save you and pull you out of that state of misery you were in.

i'm happy that i was able to take that poor, miserably sad girl and make her the happiest girl on earth at least for some of the time we were together. and it's just ironic i guess how you ended up being the one to put me in that very state of misery you were once in.

it's ironic. its funny. i dont understand karma. it's like you passed it on to me. you said, hey, you lifted me up when i was down, i appreciate it. thank you very much. but now that i'm up, i'm going to move on. i'm going to leave now, knowing that by my leaving, you will be in the very same state of misery that i was in when you first met me.

i'm not bitter. i'm not mad. i dont resent anything. it's just funny and ironic how life works. i dont understand sometimes. i live my life by certain standards and morals and i dont think i deserved the suffering? I dont understand.... people say that now, i'm just one step closer to meeting my true soulmate. or, i'm just one step closer to true happiness.

but to me, there was nothing wrong with what i had :/

but that's where FAITH has to come in. ive been living my life based on faith lately.

i just have to have faith that thru suffering, happiness always comes.

only God can judge me. he has seen what i have done. and he will see fit that I am on the right path. i just have to have FAITH.

faith. so easy to say or type out. but so difficult to truly have. its a battle i fight within myself every single day. give me strength.

found a post it note

i woke up not long ago. and i'm changing into clothes. and i put on a pair of pants that i havent worn in a long time. i feel something inside my pocket and i pull it out. guess what. it's a little post it note from her.

"I wish i was here. love keety."

i stood in silence in my room for what seemed like forever as flashbacks instantly replayed in my mind. i think she left this note on my pillow in my bed back in diamond bar. i'm not entirely sure. but damn it. now im reminiscing.

welcome to day 56.